Saturday, October 23, 2010

Sex Drive

FYI Before you start reading, this is more 'adult material' than the other entries, but not too much.

First let me start by saying I gained 2 lbs last week and may not do too much better this week. My birthday was a few days ago and my mother made menudo and my grandma made tres leches (3 milk) cake. Then I was sent home with left overs. Then this morning I had this hankering for a breakfast burrito. And it wouldn't let up; so I made it. Not just a breakfast burrito mind you. This was one of those monster breakfast burritos for champions. The ones that fill an entire large plate. Little bit of cheese inside, cheese melted on top of, and your cholesterol and heart begging for mercy all while your tastebuds thank you for such heavenly flavors being combined.

For lunch we had ice cream cones, which kind of doesn't even make sense since it was cold and windy, and rainy, all day.

Then I found a bag, unopened, full of Cheetos at my door when I got home tonight. This had to be a sign from the powers that be. Today was a day for cheese to be had.

Did I deny those cheesy Cheetos? No I did not. I welcomed them with open arms, and an open mouth. But tomorrow... BACK ON THAT DAMNED BANDWAGON.

I've lost a total of 15 lbs (yes, that is counting the 2 I gained last week; I HAD lost 17 lbs) and am already seeing and feeling a difference.

A pair of my favorite pants now fit; they hadn't fit in almost a year. Other pants are either fitting beautifully or starting to feel a tad too large on me. My stomach appears 'smaller' to me. Maybe I'm hallucinating, but it seems to not be quite as large and 'protruding'.

And another thing. My sex drive.

I've not FELT 'in the mood' in MONTHS. Here and there I'd get an urge, a desire. But it didn't much matter anymore.

However, lately, maybe the last week or so, my sex drive has informed me that it's making its comeback. I can't say whether or not this is a good thing. I'm not quite so sure. Good in the sense that it means my hormones are getting back on track. I look forward to when I start seeing other changes (hormonal) based from this weight loss, get back on track because let's face it... SEEING your weight negatively impact what you see in the mirror is one thing. But when you're so large you become borderline diabetic and you no longer have a predictable menses cycle and the thought of sex, even watching pornos, is as boring as watching fish swim and shit, seeing those things slowly get back to where they're SUPPOSED to be is fucking exciting as all get out.

I can't say I necessarily miss Aunt Flow assaulting my body every 28 fucking days, but I miss knowing she was coming because as least then I had that decent indication that I was at least semi healthy.

I'm happy things are getting back on track, but I also know that I have a long and difficult road still ahead of me.

Last week, as a birthday gift of sorts, my mother took me to get the new Tucker Max book, Assholes Finish First, and to meet him at his book signing.

He was very kind; got pics with him and I'm now almost done his book. I can't say in my regular world I would want to fuck him, but the fact that fat women are short of repulsive to him makes me want to lose all this weight and then fuck him, only to pull out the pics of him and I together, me looking like such a fat cow. I know. It'll probably NEVER happen, but how I would love to get his reaction.

Meh. I'll giggle about what my mind's eye imagines.

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