"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." Kate Moss said this in a 2009 interview with Women's Wear Daily, which sparked controversy. Many pro-ana (pro-anorexia) sites have since used Moss's motto (as she called it) as their mantra to keep up on their weight loss endeavors.
I had to research the source and back story to this quote after finding it multiple times when I Googled images of weight loss inspiration. I often times find that if I look at before and after pictures of extreme weight loss (which is what I am working on), I feel a little bit better about the long path I find myself on and knowing that not only am I the not only one, but others have succeeded, so surely I can too.
Of course when I Google for these images I find a lot of meme's and quotes. This one sticks out to me. I want to say I understand where Moss was going with this, but it still rubs me the wrong way. Kind of like the quote I've seen stating something to the effect of 'Do you really want that cookie?'
What's wrong with wanting that cookie? What's wrong with eating that cookie?
Because of my busy schedule and inability to worry about points, I've recently been focusing on calories. (Today I went over my 1770 calorie restriction by 8 calories, and this is rare!) I find that I'm making wiser choices, but I am still allowing myself to eat the things I love, I just monitor my portions and ensure that the 'bad' things are only treats. I measure my foods by the serving size recommendations and if I want to double up, I do so making a conscious decision of what I am doing and why.
I tell myself to stop eating because I no longer am hungry- I'm just wanting to eat. Eating is fun, damn it!
So again, tell me where it is wrong to want and even indulge in that cookie? I haven't had a cookie in a month, but I still eat sweets here and there. Who says in order to successfully lose weight you must eat 'healthy' meals only? Kashi has some great stuff, things that are whole grains, dried fruits, etc, and yet they taste just as amazing as the cheap, bad for you foods.
For instance, their cereals rock (although Rice Crispies will always have my heart!). Their granola bars are the perfect size and they satisfy my sweet tooth. And by golly, they even have cookies!
There seems to be this stigma that in order to lose weight or maintain a healthy weight, you must deprive yourself of the things that you love. No treats for you! I wonder if this is part of why many people fail in their weight loss attempts.
The key isn't to deprive yourself, it's to ensure that bad food isn't your only food source.
So yes, Kate Moss, there are things that taste so damn good, it's worth indulging once in a while. Hell- I had a large McDonald's meal the other day that totaled 1200 calories, and yet I didn't go over my 1770 limit. I don't do it often, but I won't refuse myself the things I do love, I just refuse to eat like that all day, every day.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Taunting II
A couple of days ago I blogged about the taunting and torment that I have gone through in my life because of my weight. That blog was leading up to this- which I split into two blogs due to length.
Just over a week ago a YouTube video went viral in which Karen Klein, a bus monitor in Greece, NY is being tormented by students for her weight. Four boys have been pinpointed as the 'culprits', but in watching the video there's most definitely the voice of a female partaking in the despicable behaviour as well. The ten minute video, which has received well over two million hits, shows Karen being poked and insulted by students, including comments such as "fat ass" and "you don't have a family because they all killed themselves because they don't want to be near you"; her son committed suicide ten years ago.
Next to mocking her for her weight, these students also mocked her for her low income, called her a child rapist, and threatened to hurt her. Since then, the boys have written letters of apology to Karen, though she feels that only one of them was sincere. She has also met the father of one of the boys, who apologized, as a parent, for his son's behaviour.
Since the incident, a donation has been set up in which, at this moment, $660, 000 has been raised for Karen. She plans on saving some for retirement but she is donating a lot of it to causes that effect her personally (she has a grandchild with Downs Syndrome as well as a grandchild with autism). From the interviews I have seen of her, she seems like a wonderful woman.
I continue to hope that parents will raise their children up to be better than this, but from my experience (that I shared in the original 'Taunting' thread), there are adults out there like this, and I believe it is what helps contribute to children behaving in this manner. If we want the cycle to stop, now, we need to teach our kids how to behave properly, and the best way to do that is to model that exact behavior yourself.
Below is the video. Some people have not been able to watch it completely, which is understandable. As disgusted as I was, and still am, by this, I made sure to watch it all for the purposes of this blog.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Taunting
Taunting. Bullying. Teasing. It doesn't matter the terminology of choice, it has an effect on a person. All of my life I have been taunted for my weight. I don't remember when it started. I suppose it began so early in my life that I couldn't pinpoint the first nasty comment or how it made me feel. I simply recall growing up with it. I also couldn't tell you if it hurt my feelings to the point of tears often or not. I do remember one day, I was about thirteen, walking home from school and a group of kids were behind me making nasty comments and throwing fist sized rocks at me. Carrying my backpack and my instrument, and being out of shape, I knew I couldn't run that mile home. I do recall walking as fast as I could and being afraid that they would take things to the next level and start beating me up physically. I had large welts and bruises on my legs from those rocks, and the entire time it was happening, those kids made comments about my weight, and laughed. They were all between 1-3 years older than me.
I also recall one of the security guards of my middle school, the following year, asking me if I had recently been in an altercation with one of the girls-- I remember her name beginning with a T, so that's what we'll go with for blogging purposes.
T and I had never spoken. To me she looked like a bitch, but never did I voice that, nor did I give her reason to believe I disliked her. I never bothered to even try being her friend. I was happy enough in my circle of friends. I wasn't popular by the definition of all the guys wanting me and all the girls wanting to be me, but I was popular enough that everybody knew who I was and the type of person I was. I pretty much got along with everybody, and regardless of what my social status was, I was always kind to the outcasts.
When I told the guard I didn't have any issues with T that I was aware of, she brought me to one of the restrooms on campus where I saw graffiti all over. Horrible things, with my name- first and last. No mistaking this was about me. I was a fat bitch. I needed to die. The world hates fat bitches like me. The world would be better off without people like me. T had been caught by this guard as she vandalized this bathroom with my name and insults, so she couldn't exactly deny it. And for that, in T's mind, I was at fault. Somehow, for some reason, she had a hatred so strong for me that she was compelled to vandalize part of our school, and in her mind I was at fault. Was I at fault because what she wrote was about me and she was caught? I have no idea, but it was evident from then on out that she had it out for me, and that's when the rumors began. I won't bother to get into the rumors because they never held any water. People knew better, so I didn't care.
High school wasn't too terrible, but I also did not attend the public high school. The group of kids that taunted me and threw rocks at me were at that school, and I was afraid of having to deal with them- again. Next to that, the high school didn't have a good track record, so I was homeschooled and graduated two years ahead of 'schedule'.
Though it's never been as easy for me as it has my thinner friends, I've had plenty of guys interested in me. I've dated plenty, been in committed relationships- even if in reality that commitment was very one sided. Not until I reached obesity did it become difficult. Not impossible, mind you, but much more difficult than before. I reached obesity after having my son. I gained so much weight during my pregnancy because I used the excuse that I was pregnant and should be able to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. After I delivered my son, I stayed eating crap whenever I wanted. It had become a habit.
I 'lost' a lot of my friends when I became a mom. We lived in such a small town and if you were still in that town, and you weren't on drugs, you definitely didn't belong there. I didn't belong there. I spent all my time working or with my son, so for any social interaction I turned to online forums. Until this, I never realized how mean people could be.
I was treated horribly. Honestly, the words of these 'adults' hurt me to my core more than anything else I've ever been told or had done to me. It was different when I was treated horribly growing up. Those were kids. Adults couldn't be that bad, could they? I learned they could. Because of this, I went through a lot of rough patches. I went through one span of time in 2008 where I stayed home for three months straight. I was still getting paid for my work even though I wasn't showing up; I didn't leave the house unless it was to go shopping, and for that I went to the 24 hour Wal Mart late at night. I was ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of bringing a child into my world. What kind of life is my child going to endure because of his mother's weight?
I'm not sure how I snapped out of it, but one day I changed. I became colder, harder, less caring. I learned the soft spots of the very people who made me feel so worthless and alone, and I retaliated. I said horrible things to them, put them in their places, and left the forum. I didn't join another internet forum until two years later. Funny side note- I recently got a FaceBook friend's request from one of the very people who tormented me online. I responded that she was a filthy cunt to me and no way in my right mind would I ever want to be her friend. She merely responded with 'ok'. I think the lack of apology shows she hasn't changed much, but my comment to her felt so good.
With everything I've been through, it's caused a lot of problems. I missed high school. Prom, graduating with my friends. I became a hermit, and in that process wasn't the best mother for a few months. I was depressed and ashamed. But here I am, almost 25, and a friend recently told me something that literally brought tears to my eyes. 'You have skin of steel.' And I do. It's so true. And it's what brought this blog on. Well- partially. Part two will make an appearance soon.
But the truth is, nothing really bothers me anymore. I can get irritated. Pissed even. But it takes so much to get me there. And to hurt my feelings, bring tears to my eyes, is almost an impossible task now. I'm kind to others, but when others aren't so kind to me, it doesn't get to me anymore. I realize now that many times taunting comes from a person's own insecurities and worst fears.
Take for instance the play 'Fat Pig', written by Neil LaBute, in which Tom meets Helen, a very large woman, while he is of average build. He falls in love with her, though he has never before been attracted to an overweight woman. He falls in love with Helen for the person she is. Though a bit insecure, she has a fabulous sense of humor and seems to be an overall wonderful person. Carter, Tom's coworker and 'friend' teases Tom for his interest and relationship with Helen. Nearing the end of the play Carter is talking to Tom and tells him something that sticks with me.
People are not comfortable with difference. You know? Fags, retards, cripples. Fat people. Old folks, even. They scare us or something.
The thing they represent that's so scary is what we COULD be, how vulnerable we all are. I mean, ANY of us. Some wrong gene splice, a bad backflip off the trampoline... too many cartons of Oreos! We're all just one step away from being what frightens us. What we despise. So... we despise it when we see it in anybody else.
How true is this all, really? I'm not sure, because I personally do not have this issue. I've never been afraid of becoming old, or ending up with a disability. Do I want these things? Of course not, but I'm not afraid of them. I'm already fat, so I suppose I cannot be afraid of that. But I do believe that there are some people that this could be said of. They aren't confident or comfortable with the person they are, and so they cannot be comfortable with others of difference.
That doesn't make it all okay. Taunting others, thinking less of them, for their differences, it really hurts people. Suicide over taunting happens much more often than you see and hear in the media. We hear about it from time to time, but the true numbers are much higher than you hear about. Suicide isn't only something for teenagers either. Children as young at seven have committed suicide over the torment they've endured. Adults of various ages have felt the need to kill themselves because they felt there was no other way.
We don't live in a wonderful society. All around us we're pressured to be perfect. We shouldn't be chasing this delusion of physical perfection and in turn fear what we do not see as perfection. Instead, we should be chasing a moral character. A character in which you and those around you can look up to and want to carry on for themselves. Shouldn't we all want to be accepting and kind, not fearful and mean?
I also recall one of the security guards of my middle school, the following year, asking me if I had recently been in an altercation with one of the girls-- I remember her name beginning with a T, so that's what we'll go with for blogging purposes.
T and I had never spoken. To me she looked like a bitch, but never did I voice that, nor did I give her reason to believe I disliked her. I never bothered to even try being her friend. I was happy enough in my circle of friends. I wasn't popular by the definition of all the guys wanting me and all the girls wanting to be me, but I was popular enough that everybody knew who I was and the type of person I was. I pretty much got along with everybody, and regardless of what my social status was, I was always kind to the outcasts.
When I told the guard I didn't have any issues with T that I was aware of, she brought me to one of the restrooms on campus where I saw graffiti all over. Horrible things, with my name- first and last. No mistaking this was about me. I was a fat bitch. I needed to die. The world hates fat bitches like me. The world would be better off without people like me. T had been caught by this guard as she vandalized this bathroom with my name and insults, so she couldn't exactly deny it. And for that, in T's mind, I was at fault. Somehow, for some reason, she had a hatred so strong for me that she was compelled to vandalize part of our school, and in her mind I was at fault. Was I at fault because what she wrote was about me and she was caught? I have no idea, but it was evident from then on out that she had it out for me, and that's when the rumors began. I won't bother to get into the rumors because they never held any water. People knew better, so I didn't care.
High school wasn't too terrible, but I also did not attend the public high school. The group of kids that taunted me and threw rocks at me were at that school, and I was afraid of having to deal with them- again. Next to that, the high school didn't have a good track record, so I was homeschooled and graduated two years ahead of 'schedule'.
Though it's never been as easy for me as it has my thinner friends, I've had plenty of guys interested in me. I've dated plenty, been in committed relationships- even if in reality that commitment was very one sided. Not until I reached obesity did it become difficult. Not impossible, mind you, but much more difficult than before. I reached obesity after having my son. I gained so much weight during my pregnancy because I used the excuse that I was pregnant and should be able to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. After I delivered my son, I stayed eating crap whenever I wanted. It had become a habit.
I 'lost' a lot of my friends when I became a mom. We lived in such a small town and if you were still in that town, and you weren't on drugs, you definitely didn't belong there. I didn't belong there. I spent all my time working or with my son, so for any social interaction I turned to online forums. Until this, I never realized how mean people could be.
I was treated horribly. Honestly, the words of these 'adults' hurt me to my core more than anything else I've ever been told or had done to me. It was different when I was treated horribly growing up. Those were kids. Adults couldn't be that bad, could they? I learned they could. Because of this, I went through a lot of rough patches. I went through one span of time in 2008 where I stayed home for three months straight. I was still getting paid for my work even though I wasn't showing up; I didn't leave the house unless it was to go shopping, and for that I went to the 24 hour Wal Mart late at night. I was ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of bringing a child into my world. What kind of life is my child going to endure because of his mother's weight?
I'm not sure how I snapped out of it, but one day I changed. I became colder, harder, less caring. I learned the soft spots of the very people who made me feel so worthless and alone, and I retaliated. I said horrible things to them, put them in their places, and left the forum. I didn't join another internet forum until two years later. Funny side note- I recently got a FaceBook friend's request from one of the very people who tormented me online. I responded that she was a filthy cunt to me and no way in my right mind would I ever want to be her friend. She merely responded with 'ok'. I think the lack of apology shows she hasn't changed much, but my comment to her felt so good.
With everything I've been through, it's caused a lot of problems. I missed high school. Prom, graduating with my friends. I became a hermit, and in that process wasn't the best mother for a few months. I was depressed and ashamed. But here I am, almost 25, and a friend recently told me something that literally brought tears to my eyes. 'You have skin of steel.' And I do. It's so true. And it's what brought this blog on. Well- partially. Part two will make an appearance soon.
But the truth is, nothing really bothers me anymore. I can get irritated. Pissed even. But it takes so much to get me there. And to hurt my feelings, bring tears to my eyes, is almost an impossible task now. I'm kind to others, but when others aren't so kind to me, it doesn't get to me anymore. I realize now that many times taunting comes from a person's own insecurities and worst fears.
Take for instance the play 'Fat Pig', written by Neil LaBute, in which Tom meets Helen, a very large woman, while he is of average build. He falls in love with her, though he has never before been attracted to an overweight woman. He falls in love with Helen for the person she is. Though a bit insecure, she has a fabulous sense of humor and seems to be an overall wonderful person. Carter, Tom's coworker and 'friend' teases Tom for his interest and relationship with Helen. Nearing the end of the play Carter is talking to Tom and tells him something that sticks with me.
People are not comfortable with difference. You know? Fags, retards, cripples. Fat people. Old folks, even. They scare us or something.
The thing they represent that's so scary is what we COULD be, how vulnerable we all are. I mean, ANY of us. Some wrong gene splice, a bad backflip off the trampoline... too many cartons of Oreos! We're all just one step away from being what frightens us. What we despise. So... we despise it when we see it in anybody else.
How true is this all, really? I'm not sure, because I personally do not have this issue. I've never been afraid of becoming old, or ending up with a disability. Do I want these things? Of course not, but I'm not afraid of them. I'm already fat, so I suppose I cannot be afraid of that. But I do believe that there are some people that this could be said of. They aren't confident or comfortable with the person they are, and so they cannot be comfortable with others of difference.
That doesn't make it all okay. Taunting others, thinking less of them, for their differences, it really hurts people. Suicide over taunting happens much more often than you see and hear in the media. We hear about it from time to time, but the true numbers are much higher than you hear about. Suicide isn't only something for teenagers either. Children as young at seven have committed suicide over the torment they've endured. Adults of various ages have felt the need to kill themselves because they felt there was no other way.
We don't live in a wonderful society. All around us we're pressured to be perfect. We shouldn't be chasing this delusion of physical perfection and in turn fear what we do not see as perfection. Instead, we should be chasing a moral character. A character in which you and those around you can look up to and want to carry on for themselves. Shouldn't we all want to be accepting and kind, not fearful and mean?
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Summer
It's summer! With the summer comes the time where there's more to do for cheap or even free. Of course, every state is different. I'm from NM and can't say it's very budget AND activity friendly. There's a lot to do to keep you active and even outdoors, but everything costs. With tough economical times and, for me, a very limited income, it's simply not feasible to go to waterparks or amusement parks regularly. We've turned our attention, once again, to the cheap or, better yet, free activities. Outdoor markets where fresh produce and live music is a great place to go for your produce shopping and walking around. Not only are you getting in some exercise but you're also supporting your local farmers.
On another note, many places seem to be pushing for more familial outdoor activities, creating bike trails and having weekly free events that take place outdoors or in large convention centers. We have free local bands playing weekly and it's fun to get up and dance with the kiddos or relax with friends to jam out.
Parks are also becoming cleaner and safer, so even if you don't have children you can go for walks. If you do have kids, you can easily join them on the swings and see who can swing higher the fastest.
Google summer events for your location and you'll probably be amazed at what you find. So go out and enjoy yourself.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Gone But Still Fat
There is so much to say, yet not much to say all at the same time. A few things have happened that I won't discuss, but 2012 hasn't been my best friend, but it also hasn't exactly tortured me either. I'm still here aren't I?
But I'm trying to get back on it with some issues. I am never full. This isn't a new issue, just one that I never brought up. Though a real issue, it's also embarrassing. My appetite is larger than what I would call normal. I went to my primary physician to discuss weight loss surgery (LapBand or the gastric sleeve) and she shot me down. She treated me as if I was completely unaware of how weight loss works, what a good diet is, etc. She shot me down each time I tried to speak, she ignored everything I said, and tried educating me. I went as far as to tell her she could look at this blog and see this is a struggle and that I do understand dieting, weight loss, etc. Again, she ignored me.
Instead, she wants me back later this month to see where I am. She suggested I try proper dieting (yes, because I have never tried that) and keep track. I tried explaining over and over, I don't have a problem losing weight. I can lose weight no problem. But I eat my points or calories allotted (depending on the diet I'm following) and I'm still hungry, all day.
Drink a glass a water before/during/after/all three? Yeah, I've done that too. Fluids and solids, however, digest differently. So I repeat, I'm always fucking hungry. But alas, no matter what, she wouldn't listen. So today, here I sit, hungry. All day, hungry. I'm so frustrated. I've cried so much over all of this, what is my life, and the fact that people think it's so simple. Even my own fucking doctor thinks it's easy. If it was so easy, do you really think I would be like this!?
Most people would not choose this. Heavens knows I did. Never have, and never will want this. I understand a proper diet ramps up the metabolism, but when you're always hungry, your metabolism slows down; survival mode.
So I'll go to that appointment and I'm not leaving without getting her to do what's necessary with my insurance to get a step closer to the surgery that I so badly need. Yes, need. There's no other answer. I feel like surgery is my last hope. If she still refuses and wants to treat me like I'm a brain dead person, I'll be getting a new doctor.
I can't help but think, though, if she shot me down the way she did, and treated me the way she did, how many others has she done this to, and how many other doctors are out there like that? Like it or not, people, maybe you're one of them, too, talk about this obesity epidemic, something needs to be done, etc etc. Well, how many 'MEs' are out there being ignored, treated like idiots, and blown off when searching and begging for help? Those doctors have not done their job. They have merely contributed to the very problem that they and so many others say needs to be fixed.
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